The Foster Diaries – Lena Adams
by fadedink26
Summary: Diary entries for Lena Adams.
1. Chapter 1

The Foster Diaries – Lena Adams

Entry 1

Sleep eludes me tonight and I'm somewhat envious of my sleeping wife. How can Stef sleep so peacefully after what happened tonight? Our son … was held at gunpoint. They all could have been killed!

Of all our years together I've never seen Stef draw her weapon and frankly the realty scares me. How could I have been so stupid? Made such a rash decision like bringing a child from juvi into our home and exposing my family to such dangers? Even I will admit that was not my finest decision. No matter how reasonable Stef is being about it. Maybe Stef was right at the start, we can't save them all and maybe I shouldn't try but …

Callie and Jude … they have been through so much. How do I knowingly send them back into the system? I know where Stef's mind's at, she wants to help but I can't help but equate that danger to Callie and I have our children to think about. Maybe after talking to Bill, I will feel better about the situation, but I'm doubtful.

The next issue that's causing me to loose sleep is Mike. There is something about him that I just don't like and no matter how much I try for Stef's sake, I cant like him. What did she ever see in him?!

He referred to us taking in strays today, he was talking about Callie but by extension he was talking about my babies – Mariana and Jesus. I should have put him in his place, but we had bigger issues to contend with. He just has this way of making these off hand comments that irks me.

Then to top it off, he's Stef new partner at work. What the hell?! No really what the fuck! Why would their Captain agree to that? That's like a script from a badly written TV Show. Then Stef's all it's no big deal its just Mike and he's all I just want to be there to protect her blah blah we have the kids of consider and I was like, thanks but I'm not ok with it, not for a minute. Something is not adding up, I just don't what.

Speaking of things not adding up, what is going on with the twins? They are clearly keeping something from me. Maybe we are just finally entering the "keep things from your mom" years; they do turn 15 in a few days. I am however content with leaving things alone for now though, I know my children, either one of them will slip up or guilt will lead one to confess. It's going to be interesting to see which one happens first.

Stef's reaching for me; let's see if her arms will provide the quiet respite I need to sleep tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

The Foster Diaries – Lena Adams

Entry 2

I've told her that we are fine, but I just don't have the words to talk to her right now. I feel sick inside. Betrayed by the one person who's supposed to have my back. The one person who should always be on my team no matter what. My partner, my wife .. took her ex-husband's side tonight. In what world is that okay? How could Stef think that it would be okay? That was textbook relationship 101. You always take the side of the person who shares your bed and prepares your food. How does she not know this? She's lucky Callie and Jude are on the couch or she would be there! She has apologized but I'm not ready to forgive, I'm too hurt and I'm not ready to move past this, no matter how many times she calls me 'love'.

Sighs ...

What hurts too, is that I've always felt like Brandon's mom, so for Mike to say I wasn't cut deep, like a knife cutting away a piece of my very existence. I've been there … through the ear piercing piano lessons in the start to all the recitals. The packing of lunch boxes, the stench of a growing teenage boy laundry, the school runs and late night home work projects. I have been there; I'm his mother too, Brandon's my son. Mike will not change that, no matter what he says.

I felt vindicated when Brandon put Mike in his place tonight. He did it the wrong way obviously but Brandon was right where has Mike been, but I guess no matter how absent he is. He still gets to be his father and I get degraded with the title of stepmother, but am I really that either?

Jude's question tonight was painful yet timely. Stef and I aren't legally married, so Brandon's step mother I am not and though I agreed that married in our hearts was basically the same thing as being married legally. Who am I kidding? It's not. Its just not and it could never equate to the same thing.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I don't really like Mike. He got to have that. He got the ring, the paper work and the title to be her husband.

I want that. I want to be her wife. Not just in my heart but legally. Even on the days I'm mad at her.


	3. Chapter 3

Entry 3

Ever had one of those week were everything just went wrong with every member of your family? That was my week.

First was having to reprimand my son, he has in school detention all week for giving away his pills at school. I guess this is what he and Marianna was clamming up about a couple of days ago and why he was shaking like a leaf in my office. Try as I might though, I just don't think he really understands the consequences of what he did and I'm doubtful that the punishment is working. Jesus has always been my difficult child; he never pays attention to anything long enough for it sink in. So understanding the consequence of any action takes multiple punishments.

Second, was playing referee between Stef and Brandon in a decision of whether to live with Mike or not. They are both very stubborn and equally strong willed. Like mother like son … and normally Brandon will bend to Stef's will, but he's getting older and stronger in his conviction and wants to be in control of his life. I can understand that. Stef wants to keep him as her baby and as his mom as well, I know how hard it is to let go. That turning point when a parent realizes that their child is no longer a baby is a difficult one and the adjustment period if unprepared can be challenging.

I've talked to my wife and tried to reason with her and though she eventually agreed to allow Brandon to decide. I could see how hurt she was. It took two days and a very direct conversation, but I finally got her to stop pouting like a child and have her talk to him. If he left it would be hard, but as parents we shouldn't burden our children with our fears by masking them with anger. We are here to love and protect them, not guilt them into submission.

It's hard though, Brandon has lived with us since he was five, we raised him, and this is his home. As the eldest child we relied on him to watch over his siblings, be their role model and inadvertently he shoulders a lot of the home responsibilities. Him moving out, would be like loosing a part of this family that makes it work so perfectly. There would be one less plate to share my famous pasta in, one less child to haggle about their day at school, one less smile to greet a dinner. Just one less of everything and while its not my decision, if I had a choice I'd ask him to stay.

Third was playing mediator between Callie and Marianna. There is nothing like feuding teenage girls to liven up a household. Two things really bothered me though. Callie said I needed to get to know Marianna better. This implied there was something about my child that I was unaware of, but what? Then Marianna said she couldn't live with Callie. While I was very direct in letting her know she would have to live with Callie, so she had to figure out how. I couldn't help thinking how selfish she was being. I know we raised Marianna better than that and as a child also from the foster care system, I expected her to understand the difficult position Callie was in and at least try to make her feel welcomed in our home. You know, pay it forward like Brandon did when the twins first came to live with us. Sighs .. maybe I'm expecting too much.

The grand finale of my week was with my youngest child … Jude. He's only been with us a few of days, but I can't help but feel like he's my baby. He's such a precious child, well mannered, eager to please and my heart breaks for the difficult life he's led so far. He did the proficiency exam this week. Jude needed a mark of 65 to stay in school ... I made sure he got a 65.

In a split second, I placed my job on the line and my credibility as a professional, but how could I not? After looking into the face of a child that had been grossly disadvantaged by a system that had promised to help and protect him. I couldn't allow him to be separated from the one person who had been there for him .. his sister. So I feel somewhat justified in changing the answer on the exam.

My biggest concern is not even the minor guilt I feel about what I did, but it's whether or not I tell Stef. Its not that I think she will judge me. I just don't like keeping secrets from her ... But I also can't help but feel that maybe I should take this one to the grave, for Jude's sake.


	4. Chapter 4

It took weeks of careful planning but I'm happy to report that the party for my children's 15th was a huge success! I have to thank my wife though; there were a few times Stef had to rein in the crazy, but we got through it with only a few minor bumps to report.

Like my mother insisting on being there, I know it was for the children but I could have done without having her there. My mom rattles me and makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It's sad knowing that as a grown woman my mom still has the ability to make me cry … and not in a good way.

At least she got her priorities straight, she's totally fine with me being a lesbian, but has issues with me being black. In essence what she's really saying is that I'm not dark enough to be considered a black woman with my light brown skin and coil free hair. Therefore I couldn't possibly understand the struggles of black people and that's the issue right there. My life wasn't easier because I was half Caucasian it was harder because of it and it opened me up to a whole other set of struggles. Struggles that she never considered or helped me through. All my life I've had to live in two cultures.. two races but never quite fitting into or being accepted by either. My mom just doesn't get that, no matter how many times I've tried to explain it but Stef is right. I now know where I belong.

The other bump? Marianna felt embarrassed about dancing with us at her party. I was concerned, but not overly perturbed by it. I understand her fear. Having two moms comes with challenges and puts our children on constant display. Some days kids don't want to stick out – like that uncomfortable incident in the dress shop earlier this week. Sometimes they just want normal and traditional. When we can provide that, we try. Like her Quince she wanted it to be as close to tradition as we could make it, given the circumstances. Some things we had to forgo on like the catholic mass, but we could give her the 'father' daughter dance. I actually didn't mind Mike doing it either, she looked beautiful on the dance floor and I was really proud and happy she got the party she wanted. See, some days I can like Mike if I try really hard.

Marianna surprised me in the end though, she felt remorseful about not dancing with us and she even apologized for it. I guess in her desire to have the perfect party and to fit in, she learnt a long the way that you should accept and be proud of the people who give you the love and support to make your dreams happen. I think she grew a little and that makes me a proud mama.

I saw Callie give Jude a reassuring hug, while the slide show was playing. I can't imagine how many birthdays went uncelebrated and missed childhood moments that weren't captured on film. I was conflicted at first, but now I know we made the right decision in keeping them. If nothing else maybe we can provide some normalcy to an otherwise turbulent life.


End file.
